On 50th Birthday - Epilogue

Today, I’m fifty and before you wish me a happy birthday, please know that I’m only concerned about The Meeting.  

Epilogue

Moving towards Kauthar: 

I had read a lot about Him. I knew, He won’t judge me. He was so loving and forgiving that he didn’t even judge the hypocrites of His time. I had seen Him in my dream twice in my teens.  It was a unique honour. There was always a connection which grew overtime. I felt immense pressure trying to be a good example for my boys. I felt immense relief when I realised, He was the only perfect Man ever to have walked on the surface of this earth.  So, for my boys, I diverted the standard of perfection to Him. I named my son after Him. I kept beard out of reverence the day I had to visit His city. He was the means by which light of The Book came to me. My life had no meaning without it. Were these symbolic gestures and lip service enough to get me through this?

At Kothar, “Asad Jamal, I recognise you. You used to take my name with respect. You took pilgrimage to my city many times. You talked about me a lot. I’m mercy for both worlds. I wish you success in next phase”. 

The Meeting:

I had so many meetings in my lifetime. With lots of preparation, due diligence, attention to details and at times through calculated risks or sheer bluffing, I would get through them. Even the unsuccessful ones would leave me with lessons for future meetings.  But this one has no room for failure. Am I prepared enough? Will gimmickry, presence of mind or subterfuge work? In my heart, I was scared of The Meeting for only one reason that if this meeting didn’t go down well, where would I go? I knew my say/ do ratio was poor. My desire often overpowered my conscience. I knew the right from wrong, yet I lent an ear to the whisperer. What would I do about all this irrefutable evidence now? I asked for straight path many a times in a day cycle, yet went astray. I did return to Him, yet went away. I procrastinated too much. What would I do now? Where would I go now from here? ‘Hellfire’, yes I heard about the in-satiating inferno. It is regrettable. Not the hellfire but for me being ungrateful. Being disloyal.  Being below par. What a terrible scene, I ended up like Mr Nameless who sat by the fireplace and regretted and me burning inside it. O Lord, Mercy, Mercy, Mercy. I have nowhere to go.

Only Allah knows the whole Truth.